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today is the day i'm fighting back. i have enough stress already and don't intend to accumulate more. so, today is gonna be a good day. (yes, just like a song)
need some new songs for my player. am thinking Katy Perry's one of the boys and hot n cold. hmm, and some old ones, too.
hope it rains a little. i miss the smell of rain.
this is when i talk about me, myself, and i. with no strings to hold me back, and is not required to make sense.
the thing is, i can't help but be complicated. i desperately need to control almost every aspect of life as i know it. at the same time, i love surprises, spontaneity, and just living in the moment. i'd say i'm a walking contradiction. i have a hard time trusting fate and believing that whatever happens, everything's going to be all right. in the same ironic way, i find comfort and pain in hoping.
i always... always have expectations. of people, of friends, of loved ones, of the world. it's pretty selfish of me, i know, but i can't seem to stop having them. i realize also that my so-called non-existing patience has been there all along, just not utilized in all its potential. i have yet to decide whether or not i would.
i need to have a plan. concrete ones. ALWAYS. i need everything in place. i need to have goals and kailangan may patutunguhan.
i'm selfish. i need to know i matter, i need to feel i'm important. not in the way that i'm always the center of attention. i don't care much for glory. i just want certain levels of recognition, loyalty, and importance.
what's the difference between jealousy and envy? i think i'm one, but not both. which one is inggit and which one's selos? i think i'm on the latter's category. over the years, i may have developed a strong sense of self worth, and i have realized the fact that i get to decide if i'm worth something or someone. i know i have to be treated right. this i have for my own. no one else can have it.
i have yet to know when to draw the line. been best friends with denial for a long time, i've been her sibling --martyr.
i'm evil. i try and i fail. i hurt people, people i love and people i hate. both innocent and guilty. it's the same over and over again. doesn't mean i'll stop trying to be a better person though... in the mean time, the only way not to get hurt is to stay away.
love. i don't know how to love properly. if there is such.
i can't seem to stop thinking. i don't know how to feel. and maybe i don't want to. i don't want to be vulnerable. i simply can't be vulnerable. (the difference between can and may. and i'm intentionally using can't)
so darn SELFISH.
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
yes, i'm cursing... heavily.
so i'm temporarily banned from anything HLR related.
darn it.
i love doing HLR stuff. i love my work. It's some of the people i interface with that i hate. particularly the retarded ones.
bit of a background. i, together with my immediate superior, let's call him "ass" for assistant manager, no pun intended, i think... we're what we call a super team. we're the team that get things done. technically, our job covers anything and everything subscriber data related. equipment wise, we handle the HLRs. lately though, we've been handling additional projects of sorts for one or both reasons: 1. the designated team is... to put it bluntly, incompetent. and/or 2. the vp's power trippin'. anyway, we still accomplish quality work.
this week, our manager's attention was called due to stagnating roaming projects. so we had a meeting and lo and behold... vp: "i'm temporarily transferring jacq and emo guy to international services. they will report directly to manager. jacq will solely do international services planning work. emo guy will do the same but on top of his existing work. to help ass with the work, swimmer chic will assist. original roaming/international services team will continue to do engineering and implementation, but jacq and emo guy will do the planning. clear?" good thing emo guy's great to work with. he's not scatterbrained and he's pretty competent himself. downside? person from original roaming team, yaya (disclaimer: i'm not the one who called her this) is an asshole, and that's not only according to me.
so there. for the time being, i can't do anything under HLR. got reprimanded already thrice for issuing work orders. hehe. faced with a new challenge.
not 10 minutes into the new job, i got this email from yaya. she's basically ordering us (me & emo guy) to issue and have an access pass approved for the site survey. wow. 1. as i recall, "they will report directly to manager" was mentioned in the meeting. and 2. last time i checked, issuing the access pass was still engineering work. feeling boss much? anyways, we let it pass and i do the access pass as well as the site survey.
site survey was done with um... i'm running out of names here. lemme see... for the lack of imagination --tall guy. anyhoo, on the way to site, we shared insights. tall guy confirmed yaya being the epitome of an asshole. so that's all our department's girls, except one, plus 4 guys. all confirmed on actually hating her guts. sa lagay na yan, wala pa siyang 6 months sa office.
good luck
enough of the venting. i'm hungry. again.
tried jogging. new sport? hobby? torture? half walked and half jogged my way round 7 laps of ultra's track last tuesday, october 6. ok, 2/3 walked. then on october 8, not wanting to break what i was able to start, i planned on jogging again. unfortunately, power outages confined me to jog in the comfort of my home instead. today, i tried again. that's three days now. i wonder how long i will be able to keep this up. lower body aches.
mom got her lumpectomy (?) operation yesterday. if i had patience and saw the point of a twitter account, it would probably look like this:
october 9, 2009
2am - just finished reformatting & reinstalling stuff on our dektop pc. ready to sleep.
6am - woke up early to accompany parents to the hospital.
645am - left the house.
803am - hate the makati traffic. arrived at makati med. accompanied mom to have dyes injected.
830am - had seattle's best hot chocolate and chicken pie. *yum*
945am - accompanied mom to OR.
1010am - mom got prepped. waited outside.
1030am - dad got coffee. can't piss coz nurse might come out looking for us and/or mom might need something.
1045am - dad still not back from coffee break. really need to go pee.
1050am - waiting area really really cold. want. pee. now.
1055am - dad finally back. gotta go pee.
1120am - dad inquires with OR. operation has started.
1130am - dad needs to go and "survey" parking area and check if car's park lights were left on. (probably an excuse to smoke)
1145am - so cold. have my jacket on already. gotta pee again. dad's not back yet. can't pee.
1200nn - dad got back. visited the restroom again.
1215pm - dad inquired with OR again. operation ongoing.
1220pm - dad went to "survey" restaurants and/or where we can have lunch.
1230pm - getting hungry. and sleepy.
1245pm - some random family's population (also waiting in the area) getting bigger.
1pm - lola from said family already invading my personal space on the seats.
115pm - hungry and grumpy. lola's space invasion increases. feet now raised on seat. *ew*
120pm - family evolves to a baranggay.
130pm - 3 seater accommodates a lola, a guy, a chubby lady, and me. dad decides to go get lunch for us. mcdo take out it is.
1:32pm - chicken burger, large fries, and regular orange juice, please.
1:50pm - got chicken burger, regular fries, and large orange juice instead. left to pee. again.
2pm - OR: operation still ongoing.
...
jacq curses and abandons twitter. patience ends here.
anyway, mentioned family increased exponentially in population. by the way, patient they were visiting and waiting for just had a torn stitch on his leg. personal space left: 10% of 3-seater. noise increases to xx db, failed to hear nurse's announcements. got pissed. thisclose to throwing a fit. mom's operation ended at 3pm. had to let her sleep for a while. in the mean time, we processed the bills. she had a pathologist, anesthesiologist, and the oncologist. one of the three had a doctor's fee twice the OR dues. the other had half the OR dues. and one had 1/8. (sounds like a math problem gone bad) everything totaled to more than 150k. God help us. well, most important thing's mom's better. the verdict was a good news of stage 1 breast cancer which hadn't affected the surrounding lymph nodes. she would still have to do the radiation and maybe the chemo though. i'm temporarily playing nurse. had merienda with dad's lady boss. food was eh... ok. then went on home. phone battery died. passed by little store to buy more food.
got home... a new story altogether.
main door's dead bolt jammed. keys were rendered useless. the bolt simply didn't want to turn. triple checked if we were trying to open the right door/unit. mom's sister and our cousin came to see how mom was doing. waited with us outside. finally had to call in a locksmith to force it open. dad bought new bolt to replace it. additional expenses. kaching kaching.
all's well that ends well. for now.
aftermath of ondoy was depressing... thank God pepeng's (slaps on the face to perverted people for this) course was diverted and its intensity decreased.
these typhoons are so annoying.
mama's results came back positive. as per the doctors, the stage cannot be confirmed until after the surgery wherein they would be removing the cyst. she has two options: 1. to remove just the part affected, or 2. to remove the whole breast. i think we're opting for the removal of the whole thing to lessen the chances of the cancer coming back. no schedule for the operation yet. the typhoon isn't helping either. elli's not cooperating, and needs to be fixed.
too bad dinner with friends got canceled. was really looking forward to it. missing people. missing them. missing my social life. missing a life. geez.
it's nice when you get to just talk to people. no definite topic, no definite points of conversations. you just... talk. it's amazing how much you learn from them, how much you start to know them, their personality, their attitude towards life.
logan echolls:
he's fiercely loyal, witty as hell, and pretty much awesome in every way. to quote veronica, he's "ownage". sure, he used to arrange bum fights and screw his friend's stepmother, but when you think about it... he's had the most f'd up life ever (gf brutally murdered, dad arrested for sleeping with and/or killing said gf, mom commits suicide, etc.) yet he still manages to love with his whole heart. (as quoted here)
i miss watching veronica mars.
