Conceit and Ego Centricity

this is when i talk about me, myself, and i. with no strings to hold me back, and is not required to make sense.

the thing is, i can't help but be complicated. i desperately need to control almost every aspect of life as i know it. at the same time, i love surprises, spontaneity, and just living in the moment. i'd say i'm a walking contradiction. i have a hard time trusting fate and believing that whatever happens, everything's going to be all right. in the same ironic way, i find comfort and pain in hoping.
i always... always have expectations. of people, of friends, of loved ones, of the world. it's pretty selfish of me, i know, but i can't seem to stop having them. i realize also that my so-called non-existing patience has been there all along, just not utilized in all its potential. i have yet to decide whether or not i would.
i need to have a plan. concrete ones. ALWAYS. i need everything in place. i need to have goals and kailangan may patutunguhan.
i'm selfish. i need to know i matter, i need to feel i'm important. not in the way that i'm always the center of attention. i don't care much for glory. i just want certain levels of recognition, loyalty, and importance.
what's the difference between jealousy and envy? i think i'm one, but not both. which one is inggit and which one's selos? i think i'm on the latter's category. over the years, i may have developed a strong sense of self worth, and i have realized the fact that i get to decide if i'm worth something or someone. i know i have to be treated right. this i have for my own. no one else can have it.
i have yet to know when to draw the line. been best friends with denial for a long time, i've been her sibling --martyr.
i'm evil. i try and i fail. i hurt people, people i love and people i hate. both innocent and guilty. it's the same over and over again. doesn't mean i'll stop trying to be a better person though... in the mean time, the only way not to get hurt is to stay away.
love. i don't know how to love properly. if there is such.
i can't seem to stop thinking. i don't know how to feel. and maybe i don't want to. i don't want to be vulnerable. i simply can't be vulnerable. (the difference between can and may. and i'm intentionally using can't)

so darn SELFISH.