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how can something from the past cause so much pain? why does it hurt so much? i wish i knew how to get over it that *finger snap* quick. feels like a fresh cut that gets deeper and deeper. i'm waiting for that part where everything goes numb, but it doesn't. it just hurts some more. suddenly the world around me is smaller, and i have trouble breathing...
it's monday. as usual, i'm not ready to face another round of work. i don't really have much of a choice at the moment. contemplating having to do this for the rest of my life. sigh. i want to stop the world from turning. well, ok, just the part where i work my ass off and get underpaid. i miss breaks, summer breaks, sem breaks, christmas/holiday breaks, and whatever else there is. i miss vacations, beaches, adventures, getaways...i want to run away, get far far away from here. leave behind the stress, the work, the pressures. i want to wake up with tan beside me, and a smile on my face. i want to watch the sun rise, feel the wind through my hair, have a nice breakfast without needing to rush to anything. i want to sit on the grass, listen to birds and bees, smell flowers, run through fields. i want to swim, feel the water on my skin. i want to watch the sun set and dream of painting the horizon. i want to walk on the shore, collecting shells as i go. i want to relax, cuddle, and talk. i want a massage, scented candles, and dinner by candlelight. just a day... just one perfect day... someday ^_^
i think i skipped right through july, and yeah, most of june. been either real busy or really lazy the past month and a half, had mood swings that shattered me worse than ek's space shuttle ever could, threw the best birthday surprise for my boyfriend (well, the "best" label was from him. i actually think i could do better if i was less busy with work and had more time and resources.), and finished the twilight saga for the nth time. i guess i could also throw in the selected movies i had the chance to watch, and the little shopping sprees i cheated stress with.so, um, where do i start? i should probably narrate the changes at work first... just when i thought i was already adjusting to the fact that my work's got me wrapped around it's little finger, i get the rude awakening of cold, icy water splashing though me and everything i currently "control", and realize that it's about to rein me in some more --think ball and chains, the whole shebang. i'm already handling 2 systems... this to me means 15 individual equipment, plus a testing and installation team that isn't really involved with my 2 systems, but i have to "manage", and a whole lot of other crap... i get to work one day and receive an email straight from the vp wanting me involved in all international roaming activities. geez. my constant line then was "tingin ba nila naglalaro lang ako dito sa opisina araw-araw kaya ako dinadagdagan ng workload?", but obviously, accepting defeat was never an option, so i toughed it up and went on. then, on the third week of july, my immediate superior informs me that he's moving to canada permanently, his last day: july 30. i'm trying to psych myself up that there'd be not much of a difference anyhow since i've been somewhat forced to be independent since re-org-day-one. i'm confident that technically i'm more than capable. the only handicapping factor is that this will be a one to many bout. they haven't hired replacements yet, so i 'll be holding the fort for a while. yes, i've considered other options, complained about the sucky hr, ranted bout the lack of benefits whatsoever. for now, i'm doing this one day at a time.so next. the mood swings. well, at the time, they were more than that. they were actually my personal brand of hell. i crashed and burned, and was most of the time helpless. i got really scared of auto-piloting myself to self destruction, destroying relationships i had with loved ones, because that was what it felt like i was inevitably doing. i cried a lot, and asked myself a lot of stupid questions, most of which, i already knew the answers to, yet i held on, wrongly and foolishly, to the doubts. i tried to find a way out of the hole i fell into, but the more i climbed, the deeper i found myself. i didn't understand any of it, i didn't know why it was haunting me. i'm not really sure at the moment if i'm meant to understand it at all... but everything eventually went back to being ok. i don't know how it did, and i'm not sure if it will come haunting back, but like with everything else, i'm taking this one day at a time.even without explaining, people probably know right off the bat that i'm not adept with editing stuff. by this, i mean audio and video editing, even photo editing and whatever else there is. so it took a lot of patience and effort to finish my mini project for tan's birthday. i started brainstorming ideas a few weeks before. i bounced them off his close friend, eybi for a bit. he helped me with a few suggestions and was incredibly supportive. i then proceeded to invite friends to a small surprise dinner for tan. God sent out his blessings, particularly evident through jen volunteering her place. i was low on options so i gratefully asked for the favor. that friday night i was especially thankful for friends, realizing they were not only his, but mine now as well. he said it was the best birthday he ever had, and just like that, the late nights, the cramming, the fatigue, everything was worth the smile and thank you i got from him.8:00am to 7:30pm, that's almost half a day. i actually spend that much time at work. geez, it's a wonder how i ever get to have time for everything else. so, i've watched inception with the family, and sorcerer's apprentice with my boyfriend. hmm, i liked inception's concept. the execution though, i'd have to think about. i most definitely have to watch it again. 4.5 out of 5 stars. ^_^ as for sorcerer's apprentice... to start with, i was never a fan of nicholas cage so i wasn't the least bit excited to watch this one. my verdict: pambata. it was a simple story with a simple plot and a happy ending. 1.5 out of 5.oh oh oh!!! i got to watch eclipse with tan, too. i didn't even bother to hide my kilig on those special moments. i got tan smirking, but i was happy that night. i remember. happy and content. a simple but perfect monday. =) i can't rate this one, i'm biased.that's about it for now. tomorrow's monday, another week. will spill on the stress induced shopping next time. in the mean time... i'm living life a day at a time.
hit rock bottom recently. still having a hard time climbing out of the deep hole i fell in. bouts of depression here and there. sometimes, even paranoia. yeah, so might as well call me crazy. been there, done that. actually wondered if i was... am. geez.
so anyway, i'm just thankful my bf's always there for me. he's not really patient with most things and/or situations, but with this, he tries his darnest to understand and calm me. and i'm very very grateful.
lessons learned: i have to learn to count my blessings more often. the Lord giveth and He can take away anything, anyone, anytime. i have to hand over the reins and have faith that everything will be ok.
in today's world, and the life i live at the moment, there's very little of God in it. i'm ashamed to admit it, but i had to. now, i'm in the process of reconnecting with Him. i have to try harder though. sometimes, especially when things seem to be back to normal, i slowly slip back to the old routine. then before i know it, i'm back in square one feeling those bouts of sad emptiness again.
malachi 2:2 if you do not listen, and if you do not set your heart to honor My name, says the Lord Almighty, I will send a curse upon you and I will curse your blessings. yes, I have already cursed them, because you have not set your heart to honor Me.
scary... hehe. sigh, i'm still in the process of finding my way back to Him, and i really need all the help i can get. i need to remember that He's always there for me. so is tan, and my family.
